October 2020 Life Update
Well well well, it's been a long time, hasn't it? I haven't sat down and written about myself at all, and I'm left to wonder, why didn't I want to share more when I had started this blog for that exact reason?
I guess it was hard to navigate a new life and a new way of dreaming of my future that didn't involve being an English teacher in Japan. It was good while it lasted, but it was time for me to move on.
And Covid-19 made it so I had to move on a lot sooner than I would have ever thought. June 2, 2020, I was haphazardly packed up as much as I could be in a two weeks notice, and headed home for what was probably be permanent now. I struggled to figure out what I was going to do, besides be a graduate student in a museum education program, but I knew that I had survived much worse hardships and tackled larger and more improbable issues, so I was secure in myself.
I did wind up figuring it all out. I got a job at two different English tutoring websites, and I honestly love it. It's hard and tiring work that I don't get paid to prep for, just for when I'm class, but I live for those moments when I see my student's face light up or we make a connection about something.
I am starting up my very own creative business finally, getting items up on my Etsy and practicing promotion. I paid for a business coach for two months, and that investment has definitely made this all seem so much more real and tangible for me.
Maybe I can become my own boss. Scratch that. I CAN BECOME MY OWN BOSS AND I CAN SUCCEED.
I would be lying if I said I didn't dearly miss Japan, didn't miss the people I met there, and miss the freedom of exploring a new place every weekend. I do. I miss it a lot. I miss it so much somedays that my heart physically hurts me. I cry when I wake up because I dreamed I was back exploring those mountains and loosing my sadness and loneliness in awe that the forest put in me.
But I will be back. I will be back to visit, and maybe if I play my cards right, I could move back there. I'm in a weird spot where I'm excited for my future, but I also face the reality that I have too many options and I need to pick one and stick to it. It's amazing how freeing letting a dream die and coming up with new ones can be.
It's a painful, soul-crushing experience. But one that I'm a grateful I went through. I walked out of it more sure of who I was as a person, and what I was willing to tolerate and where I was willing to compromise. I walked away from my dream with a renewed sense of self-worth and tolerance.
As difficult as Japan was for me, I left it comfortable with being alone, and finding great joy in the little things, like finding a cute rock on the ground, or having a crazy story about a lady who yelled at you for scaring a dog. I left Japan terrified to leave, but ready to go. Japan is now a huge part of who I am, and I am still trying to keep up on my language learning so that I can go back and perhaps have a life there once again. But who knows? I don't, and I'm not concerned about it.
So if you find yourself stuck, know that you can take a step back and say, "What else can I do? What else am I made of?"
Stay positive, and keep your chin up.